The Flying Spaghetti Monster is Female!

The founder of the Original Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) is The Prophet Bobby Henderson. Unfortunately, the messages and vision he received are full of fallacies. A few examples are: The Initial Creed, the First Vision, and a specific passage from his monograph The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Please note that The First Prophet of The Pastafarians must continue to be honored for his amazing contribution in founding The Church of the FSM. However, it has been revealed to me that now is the time to Embrace The Truth: the Flying Spaghetti Monster is Female!

First, if you are also honored with a visit from The Blessed One, there are a few important things to remember:

1. Beware the wandering and spontaneously frisky noodly appendages (the logical outcome of pirates, mass-produced exotic dancers, and malt-based volcanic beverages).
2. Thus, when genuflecting, keep as low to the ground as possible and wear tight clothing. The Blessed One is aware this can be extremely disconcerting to some humans (hence the primordial fondness for midgets).
3. However, if you do not fear the noodly appendages and wish for a more intimate encounter, feel free to wear loose clothing (if any).

Now, I would like to share with you the transmission that led to my spiritual awakening. It is 2 minutes and 35 seconds long and may be difficult to watch in its entirety, especially if you have a penis (although if your member is longer than average, your attention span may be greater). If you are a natural-born male, hopefully the woefully cheesy, porn-like music will help facilitate your ability to concentrate properly.

If your frontal lobe is unable to translate this into your native language, you may have to watch it again. It actually took me 4 consecutive viewings before the message was truly clear. Be patient with yourself and The Blessed One. The reward will exceed your wildest dreams and expectations.

The Initial Creed (aka “Open Letter to the Kansas School Board”) is fraught with patriarchal preconceptions. Use of the pronouns He and Him indicate that while he is attempting to counteract the negative effects of Fundamentalist Christian Fascism, our beloved prophet is unable to break free from Patriarchal Imperialism.

The Blessed One is clearly female, as proven here:

Not much is known of the prophet who graced us with this exquisite gift, but the misspellings “happend” and “RAmen” indicate the visionary is likely male. Note the use of “RA” (a male god) as well as the emphasis of the last three letters “men.” However, his ability to comprehend the feminine nature of The Blessed One bodes well for the future of natural-born men. It was revealed to me during my enlightenment that The Venerable Meatballs actually represent breasts, not testicles as previously reported.

Another example of his Cognitive Penile Deficiency is his rendering of The First Vision. You may have noticed that while the word midget was spelled properly in the document, it is spelled “midgit” in the drawing.

Obviously spell-check was used for the printed document but catching the hand-written error was clearly beyond the skills of The Prophet Bobby Henderson. This is particularly sad given the picture only contains four words, but at least the other three are correct. There is a rumor that The First Prophet of Pastafarianism does have a less-than-average-size phallus, but this has not been officially confirmed.

This can be seen in The Eight Commandments from the famed doctrine The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (initially described as the “I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts”).

The First Commandment: I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

This overly simplistic, vulgar, and linear type of communication is the inevitable result of having a penis, although men who undergo sexual reassignment surgery exhibit remarkable improvement. Hermaphrodites have the unique distinction of having a penis without diminished cognition, and should be honored for this astonishing trait.

It is no longer necessary to use puerile language to successfully communicate the message of The Blessed One (although it is still useful when addressing natural-born men). To enrich the dignity of Pastafarianism everywhere, the terms “mass-produced exotic dancers” should replace “stripper factories” and “malt-based volcanic beverages” should replace “beer volcano(s).” The Blessed One hopes this may eventually help counteract the degenerative effects of Cognitive Penile Deficiency.

Several factors offer further proof for the validity of my revelation:

1. Happened just prior to the 4-year anniversary of the formal declaration of The First Prophet of Pastafarianism.
2. Took 4 viewings of The Divine Transmission
3. Happened just a couple days before Beltane (a pagan fertility holiday)
4. Took place in the 4^th month of the year

This clearly proves The Blessed One has a Pagan female essence, not a Christian male one. There are also 4 seasons in a year and 4 elements in Pagan Tradition (Earth, Air, Water, and Fire). Contrary to previous reports, the FSM does not demand blind obedience. In truth, The Blessed One seeks mutual respect, community, and integration for all beings (although, unfortunately, many natural born men still have a great deal to learn about humility and how to play nice with others).

Thus, we should refrain from using the pronoun She. If a pronoun must be used, the word “one” will suffice, and the phrase “The Blessed One” should be used as frequently as possible. The delicate ego of those with Cognitive Penile Deficiency should be preserved as much as possible to prevent an unfortunate resurgence of Fundamental Christian Fascism and/or Patriarchal Imperialism.

Carbo Diem & Blessed Be,

A True Prophet of The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Ramen